There is a place in the world that is the labyrinth of myself where it is neither dark nor light and both dark and light. Here, somewhere between Forgotten and Rememberance, shadows form thoughts and feelings, both beautiful and dangerous. Those dwell here that are Lost, waiting to be Found or Forgotten, or sometimes they just are what they are, Lost and Remembered, sometimes smiling, sometimes sad, sometimes angry.
Wandering the paths of this realm, I look upon the person standing half-obscured in the shadows, next to that thought that always slips through my fingers when I try to catch it. She has her very own beauty, standing relaxed and looking my way. I never know what her expression will be or if she will even realize I’m here. Words rain down around her, and the shadows are tinged with red and blue. I lost her, long ago, and still the memory hurts, albeit less and less each day. I don’t try to go over to her, knowing I would never reach her, as there is a distance between us that will never go away. Sometimes though she looks directly at me and for a second I wonder whether she has the same regrets as I and is thinking of me at the same time. Did she cover everything with contempt or is there something in her somewhere where she still has a sad fondness for me?
Today, she smiles and the shadows retreat for a second. I know the loss cannot be undone but no loss comes without finding something. The loss that is her is mirrored on the other side of the path, under a starry sky illuminated by the golden sun of happiness where words dance. No loss comes without finding something. When I lost her, I found strength and truth. I found the knowledge that I can be loved and that I can grow from heartbreak. I found the way closer to myself and wandering there, I found the capacity to truly love and thence to him, my one true love.
I now know better than ever what I can give and what I need and expect. I know the importance of letting go, stepping back and forgiving. I know that I could only go on by no longer holding on and facing the hurt head on, going towards it and living through it. Only then is it possible to also let those things that are better left buried and forgotten, those that lurk in the shadows, fall away from you.
We are shaped by our experiences, both good and bad, both happy and hurtful, both shadow and light. Standing here, in the middle of Lost and Found, I am thankful for both, and another part of the hurt falls away. Maybe someday, the only thing she will do is smile.