Day 15 ~ A past

treesofthewood-0184_zps35d32d2fToday’s Writing 101 assignment is to write about the fictitious cancelling of an event that is dear to my heart. Well, honestly – I quit attaching myself to things as events as I learned the hard way that it can be quite damaging to oneself if the worst case happens. I learned it – boy, now I’m going to talk again about Vampire Live, this Writing 101 is turning a lot of my posts into RPG related posts! Please bear with me. – when all of a sudden a once-so-called friend dumped me, quite out of the blue, and all friends of that person subsequently dumped me too, plus the VL (Vampire Live) chronicle I then played in was basically “unplayable” for me.

It all started back in 2007 when I moved to Marburg, this beautiful little town in the midst of Germany. I came here for studying, even used to know a few people here – but as Murphy’s Law commands, they moved away when I came here. So I found myself here, quite alone and struggling with establishing meaningful contact to people which might one day evolve in something like friendship. Oh, I met a lot of nice people, I loved my flat mates and I even had something like a date or two… but nothing stuck, nobody really connected and these first three months I was really, really lonely. Not in the “sitting alone in an empty flat” kind of way but in the “talking but not saying something” kind of way. I missed having my friends from Hamburg around, I missed hugging someone, I missed meaningful conversations eye to eye instead of over the phone. Despite being in this medieval, charming town with its wonderful corners and people, despite being really interested in my studies and meeting new people, I felt lost. I cried a lot these days, hugging my pillow and my cats, silent tears on my face.

Then, after nearly exactly three months, something happened. It was at one of those “dates” with a fellow student whose name, I must confess, I forgot shortly after that night. We were standing in line at the cinema and looking at the posters of Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End and talking about interests, hobbies and all that stuff you talk about when you’re meeting someone new and try to establish common ground. I remember that I was talking about Roleplaying and LARP and medieval fairs and how I one day would love to have a complete suit of armor for myself. He asked about what I played and I told him that I played a few rounds of Pen and Paper Vampire once and would love to do more of that. At that point, a girl who was standing in front of us with her friend turned around, pointed at me and said: “Wanna play Vampire Live?” I blinked, surprised, then I grinned and said: “Uhm – yeah!” Thus I met H.

We switched numbers, talked over the phone and met a week later to chat and introduce me to Live Role Playing. It turned out she was the game master of Marburg’s VL chronicle, always looking for new players. We connected instantly and the evening became the first of many, many VL nights, hooking me completely. It was, truely, a life changing moment. Suddenly, I was surrounded by people who loved what I loved, created characters and stories with me, played intense scenes and also shared a lot of other interests. We went to medieval fairs together, wrote and met, watched movies and I really felt like I finally found the place and people where I belonged.

It lasted less than a year. After having connected deeply with H. especially, meeting a lot, talking for days, doing sports together and feeling really close, we came to a point where we finally found some things we did not agree on. It turned out that that was something she could not stand. Not agreeing with her was for her like turning against her. I was shocked to see how everything we shared became meaningless and the “friendship” I treasured was for her only something worth having as long as she felt utterly adored. Arguments were not to be had. Period.

You can imagine how hurt I was, how angry, how confused. It got worse when a lot of my other new friendships fell apart as well. As the situation between H. and me was difficult, I was no longer invited to events where several others met, to make it easier for H. Sure, I was the new one, it was easier to “dump” me but even though I could understand it on a rational basis, it felt horrible. I quit playing Vampire Live for a few weeks to let the dust settle but that only made it worse as I felt like I was plunging back into the depression of those first three months – only it was worse, because I had found what I was looking for and lost it.

It took me a few weeks to realize that not all of my new-found friends actually abanoned me and that some of the hurt I was feeling was really only hurt pride. I went back to playing VL and even though it never was the same again and I stopped playing for good in that chronicle a few years ago, not only are most of my best friends – real friends, I mean – fellow players, but I also met my husband there. Sometimes, thinking back, it still hurts in a very dark and locked place in my heart because H. and I really had our moments, but this place is getting tinier every day. I miss playing the chronicle but I also know that those times are gone and even if I would go back, it wouldn’t be the same and I wouldn’t have the fun anymore that I once had. What I learned, though, is to cherish the good memories, the moments of intensity, of fun, of closeness. Sometimes, thinking back is just good.


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