Write about the three most important songs in your life — what do they mean to you?
It is really hard for me to name songs, because I’m really just horrible with titles or even the band. There are of course bands I know and recognize but so very often I just know a tune, trying to sing along with cruelly mutilated lyrics I didn’t quite understand. Ever since I read the assignment, I was failingly trying to come up with three songs that are so imbued with feeling and a situation but it is only now, when I started writing, that I realized it’s not so hard as I originally thought. Funny thing is, even though I was a huge fan of the Kelly Family when I was a teenager, none of the songs (even though I like a lot of them still) are so important for me that I would say they are “the most important songs in my life.” Maybe it’s because I was quite alone in my admiration for this band, kind of a laughing stock for my classmates, looked upon with something like pity. But I held on, loving them, loving their songs, immersing myself in the love that only teenagers can feel for a star.
For me, my fan era was kind of a mile stone – one of the very few times in my teenager years where I stood by something I cared about without letting anyone put me off it. I’m still kind of proud of my 15-year-olf-self that I held on to this thing that was so important for me, even though I also suffered a lot because of it. The concerts I attended are one of my most precious memories from that time – and some of the reactions I got from other people to my being a fan are some of my most humiliating memories. Once I started crying in the midst of class because a teacher made fun of the band and it felt like he was attacking me…
But that was a long time ago. Now, I can look back with fondness but the songs and even the memories of that time are just that – memories. They are not really filled with deep emotions that they still affect me. It was. And it’s good that it was.
My “real life” or better said: the real journey to who I am now began, funny enough, with the Lord of the Rings films. I was so completely flashed by them, so emotionally rocked that something changed in me. Interests that were previously only latent awoke with full force and they brought me together with people that affected my life and my self so much that I can say that I wouldn’t be the person I am without them. The films brought me together with my dearest friends, they brought me the joy of roleplaying, they shaped my interests and still enrich my life in every possible way. I wouldn’t live where I live now hadn’t it been for these films and I wouldn’t have known my wonderful husband. The time of the the Lord of the Rings films was a time of life-shaping decisions, of sharing and creativity, of learning and laughter and awesomeness and all of it is still deeply connected with Annie Lennox’ Into the West. I just love that song still.
It was at that time when I also had my first moments in which I felt actually sexy. It might sound vain but until I was in my twenties, I never felt like I was a person other people liked to look upon. I never felt quite comfortable in my body, always a bit clumsy and chubby and way too tall and basically ugly. I was smart, that much I knew, but that didn’t make me desirable. One just did not fall in love with me.
It was only after I met the wonderfully crazy fantasy-loving costume-wearing imaginative people I now call friends that I started to feel okay with myself. My style changed, I was introduced to many, many new things that influenced me, I went out to dance and laugh and party and live. I still didn’t have a boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter) but I got genuine compliments that helped me build up my self-confidence and one or two people actually fell in love with me! Unfortunately I didn’t have the same feelings for them but that wasn’t the point. I slowly, slowly realized that I was a lovable person. And, aside from emotions like love, I was a desirable person. This realization was really a break-through for me and there is one song that is intrinsically tied to this feeling of sexiness and desirablity: Poison by Alice Cooper.
My life never changed so deeply and quickly as in these years. Sometimes I feel really nostalgic thinking back – so many possibilities opened up, so much energy was flowing between me and the people around me. But there is one thing that I wouldn’t want to trade for anything and that is my family. I never was so happy as I am with Leander and my wonderful boys and even though not everything might be possible now that was possible then, there is still enough change ahead that I look forward to the future. Maybe that is why Happy by Pharell Williams just makes me dance every time I hear it – but the song that has been part of my little family since the boys were born is The Bard’s Song by Blind Guardian. It’s the only song that Leander knows by heart and so it became the one song that we sing to our boys when they are tired.
Three songs, tied to the most important times of my life, songs that symbolize my biggest changes and developments and that will stay with me for the rest of my life.