It’s been waaaay too long since I wrote. But the last weeks have been really busy. Not only did springtime arrive with force and degrees above 20°C, so that we enjoyed the sun and warmth outside, but the boys were also sick. The first real sickness with high fever and not being able to breathe through their noses properly due to the cold they had and I was worried and exhausted. They’re noses were so closed that they couldn’t sleep and so we couldn’t sleep. Fortunately, they put it behind them and are up and above and their sleep pattern is also getting way better, so back I am! I can’t tell you how much better everything works when you’re having a few hours uninterupted sleep. I don’t even mind that they’re up between 6 and 7 am and that’s really not my favourite time of day.
Time flies by so quickly when you’re having kids, it’s amazing. In the last few weeks, the boys got their first two theet and started pulling themselves up everywhere they can reach. Our days are filled with the sound of little hands and feet on the floor, racing through the flat, of clapping their hands on every surface they can find, with the laughter when they are facing each other upright and with the thuds and following crying when they fall down. It’s an adventure that’s getting more and more exciting and I’m enjoying every second of it. Okay, maybe not the seconds when they cry without any reason I can understand and I’m not able to calm them, but that’s really not the majority of the time.
The warmer and brighter days are hightening my spirits more than I can say. I’m so much a springtime and summer girl, needing the warmth and the sun to grow and blossom. Though I do love the cozy warmth and snuggliness of winter nights and the blazing whiteness of snow, I tend to get moody when the skies are grey for weeks upon weeks. And when the winter is inexistent like this year, the temperatures barely dropping below 0°C and no snow at all, I can’t really enjoy it. Now that the sun is coming back, with Ostara just behind us, the birds celebrating each morning again and the trees glowing in their blossomy splendour, I am blossoming as well. Starting projects again that were ignored in winter, getting the balcony in order again – planting, sprouting, loving it.
This is also the time when I can start to embrace Erin’s wonderful concept for this year: “Letting go of fear“. The biggest goal for this year is getting a new job. Remember?
But not going back to work there [to my old job] means looking for a new job… and I can tell you, that is something which drives me crazy with fear, especially as there is a big job change for Leander coming as well. It’s a Fear with capital F, black and slimy and sticky deep down in my belly, making it hard to breathe. The Fear of not finding anything. The Fear of losing money while having to care for my children. The Fear of being stuck in that job that does nothing for me but deprive me of energy I so need both for myself and my children. And I know that I need to lose that Fear or it’ll paralyze me so far that I don’t even start to look for the change that I so deeply crave.
So I swallowed my aversion against job exchanges and started to look for something new. And – I found a job offer that sounded amazing. Project management at the university in my hometown, halftime. It’s only a temporary employment, restricted until the end of 2015 but it’s only a 15min walk (!) from home and something I’m really good at! Organizing and writing in an academic field sounds so amazing! The closing date for the application was only two days later so I got my act together and wrote an application. Now it’s time to wait and hope and not to fear and visualize. I’m letting go. Something good will happen, I’m sure of it. Even if I don’t get the job, I started – and even more importantly: Writing the application reminded me of what I can actually do. One forgets so easily what you already achieved, what you learned – even in jobs that you didn’t like. I am pretty qualified in a number of things and it was good to remind myself of it.
World, prepare: I am coming!